英语小笑话带翻译（一）：
1。 Dad: Tom， please tell me， which month has 28 days?
Tom: Every month。
爸爸：告诉我汤姆，哪个月有28天呢？ 汤姆：每个月都有啊！
2。Boy: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes， and this one will be if you sit down。
男孩：这个座位是空的么？
女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。
3。 Boy: "I'd like to call you。 What's your number?"
girl: "It's in the phone book。" Boy: "But I don't know your name。" girl: "That's in the phone book too。"
男：我想给你打电话。你的电话号码是多少？女：在电话本上呢。男：可是我不明白你的名字呀。女：也在电话本上呢。
4。 Palmist: The life line in your hand tells that you will die in a year。
Customer: Good gracious! In a year? Palmist: Yes， but I can't say in which。
手相大师：你手上的生命线显示出你还有一年将会死去。
顾客：天哪，一年后？手相大师：是的，可是我不能说是哪一年。
5。 A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time。 Coming up beside her， he said， "Pull over!" "No，" she replied， "a pair of socks!"
巡警发现一名妇女边开车边织毛衣，便开车上前，说："靠边停车(套头衫)！" "不，" 她回答，"是一双袜子！"
6。 “Tom， what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen。
"He's crying。" "Oh， nothing， Mum，" replied Tom。 "I'm eating my cake。
He is crying because I won't give him any。" "But has he finished his own cake?" "Yes。" said Tom。 "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that。"
"汤姆，你弟弟怎样了？" 妈妈在厨房里问。"他在哭。" "没事儿，妈妈，" 汤姆答道。"我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我 不给他吃。" "他已经吃完自我的了么？" "是的。" "我帮他吃完时，他也哭了。"
7。 A husband， proving to his wife that women talk more than men， showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day， whereas women use 30000 words a day。 She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say。 He said， "What?"
丈夫给妻子看了一项调查结果，为了向她证明女人比男人啰嗦。研究证明男人平均每一天使用15000个字，而女人每一天使用 30000个。 妻子想了一会儿说，女人每一天说的字数是男人的两倍，因为她们必须重复已经说 过的话。 他问："什么？"
8。 Boy: Hi， didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice?
Girl: Must've been once。 I never make the same mistake twice。
男孩：嗨，我们之前是不是约会过，是一次还是两次，我忘记了。
女孩：应当仅有一次吧，我从不犯两次同样的错误。
英语小笑话带翻译（二）：
1。ass and man
驴和买驴的人
A man wanted to buy an ass。 He went to the market， and saw a likely one。 But he wanted to
test him first。 So he took the ass home， and put him into the stable with the other asses。
The new ass looked around， and immediately went to choose a place next to the laziest ass in
the stable。 When the man saw this he put a halter on the ass at once， and gave him back to
his owner。 The owner felt quite surprised。 He asked the man， "Why are you back so soon? Have
you tested him already?" "I don't want to test him any more，" replied the man， "From the
panion he chose for himself， I could see what sort of animal he is。"
中文：一个买主到市场上去买驴，他看中一头外表不错的驴，可是他想要牵走试一试。他把驴牵回家，放
在自我其他的驴之间，这驴四处看看，立即走向一头好吃懒做的驴旁边。于是，买驴的人立刻给那头驴套
上辔头，牵去还给驴的卖主。卖主感到很奇怪，他问买主：“你怎样这么快就回来了?”买主说：“不必
再试了，从他所选择什么样的朋友来看，我已经明白他是什么样了。”
2。A mother mouse
老鼠的第二语言也重要
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she
spotted a cat crouched behind a bush。 She watched the cat， and
the cat watched the mice。
Mother mouse barked fiercely， "Woof， woof， woof!" The cat
was so terrified that it ran for it's life。
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said， "Now， do you
understand the value of a second language?"
一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。
母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了十分害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“此刻你明白外语的重要性了吧。”
3。The Looney Bin
疯人院
Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院)one inmate shouted， "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said， "How do you know?"
The first inmate said， "God told me!"
Just then， a voice from another room shouted， "I did not!"
一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说："我是拿破仑!"另一个说："你怎样明白?"第一个人说："上帝对
我说的!"一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来："我没说!"
Notes:
(1)Looney (俚语)疯子
(2)inmate(n。同住者，同室者(特指在医院、监狱))
(3)insane asylum (疯人院)
英语小笑话带翻译（三）：
小妹妹
Nurse: Don't you like your new baby sister， Johnnie?
保育员：约翰尼，你难道不喜欢你的小妹妹吗?
Johnnie: She's all right， but I wish she had been a boy。 Willie Smith had got a new sister， and now he'll think I'm trying to copy him。
约翰尼：那倒不是。她要是个男孩就好了。威利有了一个新生的小妹妹，此刻他该认为我又在学他的样貌了。
我教教师
Mother asked her little boy， "Darling， what did the teacher teach you today?"
母亲问她年幼的.儿子：“宝贝，今日教师教了你些什么?”
"Nothing， Mum，" answered the son proundly， "instead， she asked me how much one plus two was， and I told her three。"
儿子骄傲地说：“什么都没教，妈妈。她反倒问我一加二等于几，我告诉她等于三。”
英语小笑话带翻译（四）：
A private didn't notice a young lieutenant and failed to salute him。 The lieutenant said sternly， "You did not salute me。 For this you must immediately salute one hundred times。"
Just then the general came up。 When he saw the poor private about to begin， he exclaimed， "What's all this?"
The lieutenant explained， "This ignoramus(无知的人) failed to salute me。 I'm making his salute one hundred times as a punishment。”
"Quite right，" replied the general smiling， "But do not forget， sir， that upon each occasion you are to salute return。"
有个士兵没有注意到一个年轻的陆军中尉，没有向他敬礼。中尉很严厉地对那个士兵说：“你没有向我敬礼，所以你要立刻敬100个礼。”
这时候将军过来了。他看到那个可怜的士兵就要开始敬礼时，就大声问道：“这是怎样啦?”
中尉解释说：“这个蠢货没有向我敬礼，我就罚他立刻向我敬一百个礼。”
将军笑着说：“完全正确。可是，老弟，别忘了他向你每敬一个礼，你都要回礼的啊!”
英语小笑话带翻译（五）：
She was so excited and anxious to tell him。 She said， "I've bought two presents for your birthday， dear。 I would tell you now because I can't wait until that day。 One present is a mat to put in front of my dressing table。 Another one is a bronze statuette(小雕像) for the drawing room mantelpiece。" And then she added: "Now me?"
Her husband thought for a while and then replied: "I'd better get you a new razor and some ties， so that we may exchange presents with each other。"
有个女人给她的丈夫买了生日礼物。
她很激动，并且急于要告诉她的丈夫。她说：“亲爱的，我买了两样东西给你做生日礼物。我此刻就要告诉你，因为我等不得到那一天才说。一件礼物是一个地垫，能够放在我的梳妆台前。另一件是一个青铜的小雕像，能够放在客厅的壁炉架上”她还说：“好啦，你准备给我买什么呢?”
她的丈夫想了一会就说：“我最好是给你买一个刮胡刀和几条领带。这样我们就能够互相交换礼物了。”
英语小笑话带翻译（六）：
While the doctor was looking over the man， his wife kept fussing(烦躁，发牢骚) andjabbering(快而含糊地说) all the time。 The doctor told her: "Your husband must get absolute rest and quiet。" Then he left some sleeping pills。
The man's wife asked， "When do I dive them to my husband?" The doctor replied， "No， they are not for him。 They are for you。 You need them。"
有个人生病了。他的妻子请了一位医生来给他治病。
医生在给他治疗的时候，他的妻子一向大惊小怪，神神叨叨地紧张不安。医生对她说：“你的丈夫必须绝对休息和坚持安静。” 然后他就留下了一些。
她问医生：“什么时候给我丈夫吃这些药呀!”医生回答说：“不用，这些药不是给他吃的，是给你吃的，你需要。”
英语小笑话带翻译（七）：
frog 青蛙
Frog The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said， "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket。" He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich。 He looked puzzled for a second， thought deeply， and said， "That's funny。 I distinctly remember eating my lunch。"
教师正在给学生上生物课：“此刻，我将要给你们看我袋子里的这只青蛙。”之后，他把手伸进口袋，却拿出了一份鸡肉三文治。教师满脸困惑地看了一眼，沉思了一会儿，说道：“真奇怪。我明明记得我已经把午饭吃掉了。”
相亲 Blind Date
After being with her all evening， the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date。 Earlier， he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave。When he returned to the table， he lowered his eyes， put on a grim expression and said， "I have some bad news。 My grandfather just died。""Thank heavens，" his date replied。 "If yours hadn't， mine would have had to!"
和盲约对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”
Lawyer and Engineer
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean。 The lawyer said， "I'm here because my house burned down， and the insurance pany paid for everything。"
"That's quite a coincidence，" said the engineer。 "I'm here because my house were destroyed by a flood， and my insurance pany also paid for everything。"
The lawyer looked somewhat confused。 "How do you start a flood?" he asked。
一个律师与一个工程师在加勒比海边钓鱼。律师说：“我到那里是因为我的房子被大火烧了，保险公司赔偿了我所有的损失。”
“这太巧了，”工程师说，“我是因为房子被洪水冲垮了，保险公司也赔偿了所有的损失。”
律师看起来有些困惑，“你是怎样引起洪水的？”他不解的问。
英语小笑话带翻译（八）：
The Use of a Handsaw
At the mall， my wife and I picked up some hardware items， including a handsaw。 We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse。
Let's try it。 " my wife suggested。 Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw， I followed her inside。
Scanning the menu， my wife told the waitress， " I' 11 have chopped sirloin， please。
The waitress turned to me， eyed my saw and mented， "And I see that。 you， sir， have e for our T-bone special。
在集市上，我和妻子买了一些五金用品，包括一个手锯。我们回到汽车时刚好走过一家牛排店。 “我们尝尝吧，”我妻子提议说。尽管我觉得拿着锯有点傻乎乎的，但还是随她走了进去。 我妻子扫视了一下菜单对女招待说：“请给我来一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待转向我，看了看我的锯，说道：“我能看出，先生，你是来吃我们的T形骨特色菜的。”
A Woman's answer
A husband said to his wife， " Why did God create women to be beautiful but foolish?"
"Well，" his wife answered at once。" The reason is very simple。 God made us beautiful so men would love us; God made us foolish so we would marry them。"
一位丈夫对他的妻子说：“为什么上帝把妇女创造得如此美丽却又愚蠢呢？” “噢，”他的妻子立刻回答道，“原因很简单。上帝使我们如此美丽，男人才会爱我们。上帝使我们如此愚蠢，我们才会嫁给他们。”
Only One Eye to Settle On
The girl found the go-between and said， "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true。 Why didn't you tell me this before ?"
"I have told you。 " said the go-between with justice on his side， When you met first， I told you that he settled on you with one eye。
姑娘找到媒人，说：“你欺骗了我。他的一只眼是假眼，你以前为什么不告诉我？” “怎样没告诉你？”媒人也不甘示弱，“你们第一回见面后，我就说，他一眼就看中你了。”
You May Select能够选择
The husband plained that his wife always cooked the same dish。
One day， the husband got home and asked his wife， "My dear， what will we eat today?"
The wife said， "You may select the dish today。"
The husband was very glad and asked， "Which dishes are there today?"
"Cabbage。"
"The others?"
"None。"
"Then how to select?"
"Eat or not eat!" the wife said。
丈夫抱怨妻子总是做同样的一种菜。
一天，丈夫回到家，问妻子：“亲爱的，今日我们吃啥菜？”
妻子回答：“今日你能够选择。” 丈夫感到十分高兴，又问：“都有哪些菜呢？”
“炒白菜。”
“还有呢？”
“没了。”
“那你要我怎样选呢？”
“吃还是不吃！”妻子一本正经地说道。
Two roaches 两只蟑螂
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant。"I was in that new restaurant across the street，" said one。 "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless， and the floors are gleaming white。 There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines。""Please，" said the other roach frowning。 "Not while I'm eating!"
两只蟑螂正在一条小巷的垃圾堆上大吃着，其中的一只谈起了它在一家新开张的餐馆里的经历。“那时我在街对面的那家新餐馆里，”它说。“那里太干净了！厨房没有一点污渍，地面闪着白光。任何地方都没有垃圾。那里是如此干净，整个地方都在发光。”“请不要在我吃东西的时候说这个好吗？”另一只蟑螂不悦地说。
英语小笑话带翻译（九）：
是哪两个词？
What Are The Two Words？A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter．“My dear，” said the old lady，“I wish you would do something for me．I wish you would promise me never to use two words．One is‘lousy’and the other is‘swell’．Would you promise me that？ “Why，sure，Granny，”said the girl．“What are the two words？”
一个十分高贵的老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。“我亲爱的，”老夫人说：“我期望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应永远不要用两个词。一个是‘厌恶的’，另一个是‘极好的’。你能答应我吗？” “噢，当然，奶奶。”女孩说：“是哪两个词？”
两颗番茄
he first tomato has no answer， the second tomato asked again。 The tomato has no answer， so the second tomato asked again。 The first tomato finally turned slowly， said: "we are not tomatoes? We can talk?"
两颗番茄去逛街，第一颗番茄突然走得很快，第二颗番茄就问：“我们要去哪里？” 第一颗番茄没有回答，第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄还没回答，所以第二颗番茄又问了一次。 第一颗番茄最终慢慢转头说：“我们不是番茄吗？我们会说话吗？”
相同的职责
The Same DutiesA retired four-star general ran into his former orderly， also retired， in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to e work for him as his valet。 "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army，" the general said。 "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast。" Next morning promptly at eight o'clock， the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom， pulled open the drapes， gave the general a gentle shake， strode around the other side of the bed， spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said， "OK， sweetheart， it's back to the village for you。"
相同的职责一个退休的四星级将军在曼哈顿的一个酒吧偶然地遇到了他以前的勤务兵，勤务兵也退休在家。这位将军花了一整个晚上的时光来说服他回来做他的贴身随从。“你的职责与在军队时完全一样，”将军说，“这没什么，你很快就会再次理解它的。” 第二天早晨八点钟时，前勤务兵迅速地进到前将军的卧室，拉开窗帘，轻轻地摇了摇将军，然后大步走到床的另一侧，在他雇主的妻子屁股上拍了一下，说道：“好了，甜心，你该回到村庄去了。”
你爷爷
A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:"Serve me， quick! Give me your best。 I don't care the price。"Not like the way he talked， the waiter said to him: "Hey Buddy， it doesn't matter you have a lot of money。 You are still son of somebody， and grandson of somebody else。"The young man raged: "Dare you! Tell me， who wants me to be his grandson?"The waiter replied with ease: "Nobody。 Just your grandfather。"
一位衣冠楚楚的年青人一进饭店就大声嚷嚷：“喂，有什么好菜尽管端上来，钱多少我不在乎。”服务员听了很不是滋味：“哥儿们，钱多顶个屁，你不照样得做别人的儿子，就是有人要你做孙子你也不敢不做！”年青人勃然大怒：“谁敢占老子的便宜？你说，是谁不要命了，胆敢要老子做他的孙子？”服务员慢条斯理地答道：“你爷爷！”
她要买什么
A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer。 No， ma’am， we haven't had any for a while， and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting soon。Horrified， the manager came runningover to the customer and said， Of course， we'll have somesoon， We placed an order last week。 Then the manager drew the clerk aside: Never， never， never say we are out of anything say we've got it on order and it's ing。Now what was it she wanted? Rain， said the clerk。
一个商店经理听见一个店员对顾客说：不，夫人，这会儿没有，一时半会儿看来也不会有。经理惊恐万分地跑到顾客跟前说：当然，立刻就会有的。我们上周订了货。然后经理把店员拉到一边：千万，千万，千万不要说我们没有什么，说我们已经订了货，货立刻就到。此刻你说她要买什么？ 雨，店员说。
此刻几点了
The two boys were camping in the backyard。 When they couldn't figure out what time it was， the first boy said to the second， "Start singing very loud。"
"How will that help?" said the second boy。
"Just do it，" insisted the first。
Both boys broke into song， singing at the top of their lungs。 Moments later， a neighbor threw open her window and shouted， "Keep it down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"
两个男孩子在后院露营，他们不明白到了晚上几点钟。于是，一个男孩对另外一个说：“我们开始大声唱歌就行了。”
“那就会明白时光吗？”第二个男孩问。
“只管唱吧。”第一个坚持道。
两个孩子开始大声唱歌，过了一会儿，一个邻居打开窗户喊道：“小声点！你们不明白此刻是凌晨三点吗？”
英语小笑话带翻译（十）：
What Was It She Wanted？
A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer．“No，ma’am， we haven't had any for a while， and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon．” Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，“Of course， we'll have somesoon， We placed an order last week．” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside：“Never， never， never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's ing． Now whatwas it she wanted？” “Rain．” said the clerk．
一个商店经理听见一个店员对顾客说：“不，夫人，这会儿没有，一时半会儿看来也不会有。”经理惊恐万分地跑到顾客跟前说：“当然，立刻就会有的。我们上周订了货。”然后经理把店员拉到一边：“千万，千万，千万不要说我们没有什么——说我们已经订了货，货立刻就到。此刻你说她要买什么？” “雨，”店员说。
A preacher is buying a parrot 传教士买鹦鹉
A preacher is buying a parrot
Are you sure it doesnt scream， yell， or swear? asked the preacher。
Oh absolutely。 Its a religious parrot， the storekeeper assures him。
Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one， he recites the lords prayer， and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm。
Wonderful! says the preacher， but what happens if you pull both strings?
I fall off my perch， you stupid fool! screeched the parrot。
一个传教士在买鹦鹉
“你确信它不会尖叫，大叫或诅咒别人吗？”传教士问。
“哦，绝对不会。它是一只虔诚的鹦鹉。”店主保证说。
“你看见它腿上的这些细绳了吗？当你拉动右面的这根，它会背诵天主经，当你拉动左面的那根，它会背诵赞美诗”
“太棒了！”传教士说，“可是如果我同时拉动两条绳子，会发生什么呢？”
“我会从树干上掉下去的，你这个笨蛋！”鹦鹉尖声说道。
How can I get into heaven 我怎样才能上天堂
"If I sold my house and my car， had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor， would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class。
"No!" the children all answered。
"If I cleaned the church everyday， mowed the yard， and kept everything neat and tidy， would I get into heaven?"
Again， the answer was， "No!"
"Well， " I continued， "then how can I get into heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out， "You gotta be dead!"
“如果我把房子和车卖了，在车库举行义卖， 并把所有的钱给穷人，我能进天堂吗？”我问主日学校的孩子。
孩子们齐声回答：“不能！”
“那如果我每一天都打扫教堂，给院子的草坪割草，并且把东西都收拾得干净整洁，我会上天堂吗？”
回答还是：“不能！”“好吧， ”我继续问， “那我要怎样才能升天堂呢？”
一个五岁的男孩儿叫道：“你得死了才行！”
I Want Her to go Nuts
Mrs。 Flinders decided to have her portrait painted。 She told the artist， "Paint me with diamond earrings， a diamond necklace， emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant。"
"But you're not wearing any of those things。"
"I know，" said Mrs。 Flinders。" It's in case I should die before my husband。 I'm sure he'd remarry right away， and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry。"
福林德斯夫人决定让人给她画肖像。她告诉那位肖像画家说：“画我带着钻石耳环、钻石项链、祖母绿手镯，还有红宝石垂饰。”
“但你此刻没带这其中的任何一样饰品。”
“我明白。”福林德斯夫人说，“万一我先我丈夫死去，我肯定他会立刻再婚。我要让那个女人为寻找这些珠宝而发疯。”
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